Trans a fake societal construct

My sister is lovely. She is liberal, and feminist, and nice to all people. She is very anti-transphobia. I have a confession. Just this once, my beautiful, kind, loving sister is wrong.

Since I am firmly of the opinion that ‘gender’ is a patriarchal nonsense of the highest order, I cannot understand how people could be ‘trans’ something that people made up, and changes with society over time depending of fashions and needs. I am extremely envious of those who state ‘I always felt like a woman inside’, because I’ve been a woman for 31 years, and I’m not sure I have a clue what ‘feeling like a woman inside’ is.

I understand those with gender dysphoria suffer, and I am sorry that societies’ gender norms cause suffering. I hate all forms of bullying, and want everyone to live to be true to themselves. No one deserves bullying, violence, or discrimination.

I am hugely disturbed by the death knell of women’s sport. http://www.independent.co.uk/sport/olympics/olympics-to-allow-more-transgender-athletes-to-compete-in-the-games-after-removing-surgery-a6829691.html

This big question here is ‘what is a woman’? It’s far more than wearing a frock. It’s not about having a lump of mammary tissue behind each nipple, ask any woman who’s had a bilateral mastectomy. My tits do not make me female, and adding a pair of tits surgically or otherwise does not make a man a woman. They’re just tits. Useful for feeding babies, nice accessories when getting intimate, but they do not define whether I’m a woman.

It’s more than having a functional vagina. Women who are post surgery for difficult post-birth trauma, or who have prolapses, or suffered female genital mutilation etc are not made lesser women. Nor are those who have hysterectomies, and/or oophorectomies. Women are not defined by being humans who have somewhere for a penis to fit. Women with Turner’s syndrome are still women.

Nor are women humans without a penis. A man who chops off his penis is still a man.

It’s not about your hormones- post menopausal women don’t stop being women, neither do women with PCOS (high testosterone). Men on oestrogen are men on oestrogen.

Often, I hear ‘It’s about how you identify’. I identify as a size 2 waif with a metabolism that allows me to live entirely on Dairy Milk and yoghurt. Sadly, my identification doesn’t make me any thinner.

So, I’ve had a think. I’ve been told before ‘you’re only partially feminine’, and told by my mother growing up ‘you know, I think you’re really a man!’ (She didn’t mean it kindly. On second thoughts, the first comment wasn’t meant kindly, either.) The first comment was explained more- the fact I wear skirts, but rarely heels, that I can sew, but can’t do make up, caused great confusion.

The latest obsession with Transgender appears to be more about Trans-stereotyping than anything to do with xx vs xy chromosomes. Just see all the “I knew my son, Huck, was really a girl inside because he played with dolls. Now he dresses in pink and we call him Trudy.”Urm, no, let toys be toys! (That’s a whole different rant…) Caitlyn Jenner’s transition appears to have been far more about her posing seductively than about her wondering why she’s suddenly paid less, or patronised by car salesmen.

So, what makes me ‘feel like a woman inside’? Here are a few things, I’m sure there are more.

1. The gender pay gap.
2. Being asked at job interviews how I will manage with my home commitments?
3. Recalling how I was taught at primary school that we shouldn’t do full press ups, as we would damage our ovaries.
4. Sexual harassment on public transport. In the street. At work. As a teenager in my first job.
5. Having your dress as a teenager dictated by the need to ‘not distract the boys, or make male teachers feel awkward’.
6. Being socially conditioned that my life would never be complete until I had children.
7. All that Disney princess shit.
8. “When you get married…”
9. Getting thrush.
10. Having a dress code that is twice as long as for those with xy chromosomes
11. Being blamed for the downfall of the NHS.
12. Being blamed for the downfall of society and family values.
13. Being blamed for having sex, getting pregnant, keeping the baby. (However, see point 6 above).
14. Being judged for being a temptress, while your partner is seen as innocent.
15. Being ignored, in favour of my male junior.
16. Having people assume my male junior is my boss.
17. Being given the wrong job title, because I’m female.
18. People assuming I’m not as competent as my male colleagues.
19. Car salesmen. Say no more.
20. Plumbers, builders, etc treating me like I’m a bit simple. It’s a vagina. It didn’t steal any IQ points.
21. My fertility and future family plans being considered small talk to ask me about in the office. Fuck off and get your nose out.
22. Brought up to view my surname as never really associated with my identity, as I would change it on marriage, anyway.
23. “You know this is economics, not home economics, don’t you?”- happened to a friend of mine.
24. Marriage certificates ask for your father’s name, but not the mother’s. This is to help family historians in the future, apparently. Because women don’t matter to history.
25. Coming second on SmallPerson’s birth certificate.Despite the fact I pushed SmallPerson out of my vagina.

So, there. Man, I feel like a woman. It starts at birth-http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20141117-the-pink-vs-blue-gender-myth “Women treat the exact same babies differently” based on whether they think they’re caring for a boy or a girl. I have grown up drenched in female stereotyping. It goes through primary school, secondary school, into university and the work place. I don’t think that’s something you can ‘feel inside’, it’s something you live.

I accept those with gender dysphoria are living in their own hell. And I wish we could fight societies gender stereotypes together, rather than fall out over this.

But women are women, and they haven’t had it easy. Now, it’s all about the men who ‘feel like women inside’, and they’re allowed in our spaces, and now our sport. The upper limit for testosterone in women in sport is now 3 times the upper range for xx women, and only just below the normal range for men. This means next to no xx women would have a testosterone that high, but some xy (non-trans, feel like men) men could, as the reference range is usually where 95% fall.

Women now have to let men who feel like women in their toilets, their changing rooms, their safe spaces, prisons, and now their sports teams. No way will women be able to compete with men with low testosterone, no way, especially since the stereotyping experienced early on starts them at such as disadvantage, even before you include a wider pelvis, bouncing bosoms, periods to manage, shorter tendons and less muscle bulk.

Being a woman is not about tits. It’s not about your bits. It’s not about how you feel. It’s about how society has conditioned you. If you want to compete in women’s sports, first survive girl’s PE lessons.

Choosing a label

Smallperson and I live in our own house, without an adult male. This shocks carpet salesmen, cold callers etc, to discover Dr Fanny is not only NOT A MAN, but without a man to look after her. Generally other people know this, and appear to cope.

I find myself using labels. For this blog, I have deliberately chosen Independent Parent as my label. I parent independently of another parent. I am not a lone parent, as I do not parent alone. Smallperson benefits from many other adults in their small life. I am single in terms of my relationship status, and single parent is how I describe myself in every day life. However, two parent families never pop into conversation “I’m a living with my baby’s father parent”, and if I were to start shagging the milkman, my parenting status wouldn’t change. I wouldn’t suddenly start sharing parenting.

The other reason single parent is a label I don’t own is because it’s hijacked. From sports widows to people whose partners work hard or work away. “Oh, well, I’m a single parent in the week.” “I may as well be a single parent for all the help he is, it’s like a 4th child harhar.” Except it’s not, is it. If your partner works away, or very hard, they still come home, you still have a full 2nd income. Feeling like you’re a single parent, or partner behaving like an extra child or neglecting their child-related duties, is a good reason to kick them in to touch, and perhaps actually become an independent parent. (Some of us are happier, freer, and better on the other side- I know this is too radical for people to want to hear. We’re not all on benefits watching daytime TV, waiting for a man, shocking.)

I parent independently. I pay the bills. I am housekeeper, I am accountant, I am the admin staff. I cook, clean and wash without help (actually that’s a lie. But my hard earned cash pays for the help!). I have a huge support network, who are amazing, both family and friends, and we both love you all. But that huge support network isn’t a parent. When it comes to decisions- which nursery is best for Smallperson? Which School? Should SP be allowed make up? How much should SP be allowed to challenge gender stereotypes and risk bullying? Small things- should SP be allowed to play round the corner with friends, or only where I can see? Big things- Which medical treatment do we chose for SP? Should I consent to surgery after all? No one other than a parent makes these decisions, and I make them independently.

I feel society looks negatively on the single. Very negatively on the alone. Yet positively on the independent. And I like to be positive. A positive Independent Parent.

I took my period on holiday

This time of year, many mothers of teenage girls go to the doctors to get some northisterone. The purpose being to ensure they don’t menstruate on the family holiday. Because everyone knows periods are awful right? Really get in the way of everything. Really spoil a holiday. No 14 year old wants a visit from Aunt Flo when they’re in a bikini, right?

Most of my colleagues resent these consultations, not because anyone should have to suffer menstruation on their holiday, but because they wonder if it shouldn’t be private, really, and not NHS. They don’t resent it enough to do anything about making a policy of making it private, mind. So these girls don’t have to endure lady things on their holiday, hooray!

I, however, feel deeply uncomfortable with the whole thing. Not over who pays, although, yes, I don’t think Aneruin Bevan exactly thought he was creating something to enable 14 year olds to not have to wear tampons on their holidays. To be clear, I’m talking about normal girls, with normal periods, not raging menorrhagia.

This bothers me along the same lines that many girls I see can count their actual periods on one hand. They start, mum decides that periods are awful, and so young girl goes on the pill. Job done.

As a society, we have demonised periods. The NHS states that the average blood lost in a period is 30-40mls. Go, measure 40mls. We’re talking two tablespoons here. Yes, they can be sore. For a day. Some people maybe two days. Most are relieved with simple, over the counter, analgesia. We have external or internal protection available, in most countries you can travel to, affordable for those who can also afford to go on holiday, I expect. Yes,some girls have awful periods, but that’s something to sort out for every day, mums, not just when it affects your holidays, and most have normal periods.

YES! Normal periods. Periods are normal. They’re part of being a woman. They mean your body may be able to nourish and sustain another human in a way no man ever can. Your uterus is FUCKING AMAZING. I feel that every time I prescribe northisterone, I am colluding with societies distaste for women. Society says “We want our young girls scantily clad!” Young girls lose a couple of tablespoons of blood through their vaginas for a few days each month- but society is repulsed by this. A small leakage on the bikini bottoms (Spongebob, go away) is life ending for a 14 year old. But it should be normal. A visible string from a tampon? DISASTER! Periods are still taboo, but why?

Why are we not telling this girls their body is amazing? Why are we not telling them that, hey, tampon strings may show, you may get a slight leak, but it’s just a period, women get them? Why do mothers keep tampons (usually, although other internal products are available) ‘for when they’re older’ from their teens who are rapidly becoming women, and biologically could heave a baby out of their flue? Why are we making our teens take hormones, which are not without risk, because they simply must dress in a certain way on the beach?

Long term, doesn’t it curtail a young woman’s adventures, to be taught so early on that periods and fun don’t mix? What will she do if offered a chance to go trekking for 2 months in Nepal? Pump herself full of more hormones she doesn’t need, to avoid 40mls of blood every 4 weeks? I see it, I prescribe the pill for it. I collude with it, and I am disgusted with myself, almost as much as society is disgusted with women being women.

So, I had a week’s holiday abroad this year. It happened to fall when my period was due (stupid sod, and his law). When we arrived at our destination, I bought some tampons and ibuprofen. We then did everything as planned, and had an awesome time! Yes, I was a bit more grumpy than usual, but I’m a grumpy bitch anyway, so no one noticed.

My uterus is amazing- it grew smallperson. My endometrium kept smallperson cocooned and safe. I can forgive it 40mls a month, and the reassurance all is well in there.

Disclaimer- if you’re getting menorrhagia, you need to see your doctor- you don’t have to put up with it. My opinions are mine, and nothing to do with my employer, who I may or may not have at any time.